No Going Back
by DoctheWriter
Summary: One-shot--Bella’s thoughts on the frantic drive from her house to the Cullen’s before they disperse to take care of James and Victoria.


My head is spinning. It feels like days have passed since we were in the field this afternoon, the Cullens enjoying their game while I watched. I feel like screaming just to let out my frustrations, but that would only worry Edward. I jump and turn to peer out the back window as a loud _thud_ sounds and I feel someone jump into the bed of my truck, a scream escaping me. Edward's cold hand over my mouth cuts off the shrill sound as he reassures me, "It's Emmett!" The scream did little to release my frustrations and only kicked my fear up a couple of notches.

His arm around my waist is a comforting anchor since at the moment I feel like jumping out of my skin with anticipation and panic. How could an enjoyable afternoon go so awry? But then I _tsk_ myself and remember who I'm spending time with…vampires. And since I'm not planning to cease spending time with Edward any time soon…except for our impending separation in an attempt to save my life of course, this is just something I'm going to have to accept. Impending doom for the human—whether it be natural death that is looming on the horizon or my life being cut short by some accident or, more recently, tracker vampires, the outlook to me is bleak.

I turn my head to peer out the passenger window as we pass the café and my friends from school come pouring out the front door into the chilly night. They look happy, content…nothing like I feel at the moment with dread eating away at my insides. A wave of nostalgia washes over me for the briefest of moments…but that would be a life without Edward and that is not something I am willing to accept.

And for one moment, for the first time since Edward came into my life…I wish he were human.

It's fleeting, really, but significant since I've never had the thought before. Edward has always just been Edward to me…him being a vampire has no bearing on my feelings for him. All that matters is my love for him and that he is with me and stays with me. All of the turmoil inside of me seems to cease for an infinite moment as I contemplate this feeling. I'd spent hours thinking about what my life would be like when Edward finally woke up and realized that he was with a measly human who seemed to constantly be in peril and was more of a nuisance than anything else and in turn, left me…but that hadn't happened yet and from recent events I didn't see it happening any time in the future. Everything Edward had said and done in the last few hours spoke of his commitment to me and his devotion to keeping me safe. But at what cost to him? Members of his family? His own life? The dread, panic and turmoil overtake me again as I contemplate these losses at my expense.

I shudder at the thought and Edward tries to release his arm from around me thinking it is his skin that is chilling me. I hold onto him and snuggle deeper into his side. The thought of being separated from him within the next half hour for who knows how long creeps into my mind and makes me feel like hyperventilating. I know what must be going through Edward's mind right now, even without the advantage of his ability…its written all over his face. I'm sure it's something along the lines of, _If only Bella had never met me…_

But I did meet him.

Sure I could ditch Edward once all of this is over and find a nice, normal human boy but there would be a part of me that was never sated…a part of me that always ached for his presence or the feel of his cool finger tips against my warm skin. I realize that my love for him goes beyond just human connection. Our souls are connected. Whether he believes he has one or not, I know that he does because when we're together its light shows brightly in his eyes.

The vision of my friends from just a few moments ago passes fleetingly through my mind again and despite the circumstances and the situation we are currently in I feel a small smile tugging at the corner of my mouth because I know that I would give up everything--a "normal" life, my humanity--to be with Edward. I turn and look into his face and study the smooth surface and the lines of his jaw and mouth in their intense frown. Awe-struck yet again by his beauty even when he's frowning, the panic within me releases its hold for a moment and I allow myself to just bask in his presence and the feel of his body against mine.

And then we're pulling into the Cullen's driveway and everyone is in instant motion around me. The panic takes over again, making my stomach ache from the knots it's been tying itself in and I cling to Edward's side as the decisions are made about who is going where with whom. His face is bleak as he wraps me in a hug and lifts me off my feet to place a chaste kiss to my lips. The emotion that it stirs within me overtakes me and I want to cling to him…beg him not to leave me. But I know that's impossible. I feel the tears making hot tracks down my cheeks as he disappears with his father and brother.

_Is this the beginning of the end?_, the thought passes briefly through my mind. It doesn't matter. There's no going back, now.

* * *

**AN:** This has been on my mind ever since I saw the movie and noticed the look that comes over Bella when she sees her friends coming out of the café on the drive to the Cullen's house…I just wondered what would be going through her mind. This is my first attempt at Twilight fiction so please, be kind. Also, the scene is from the movie but most of the other elements are what happens in this scene during the book (ex. Edward's arm around Bella in the truck, him picking her up to kiss her before they leave, etc), just fyi. I'd love to know what you think.

**Dedication:** To twi_ction…Merry Christmas, bb! Thank you for your amazing friendship and all the joy you bring to me. Ilysfm!


End file.
